Hi guys! I need your help to pinpoint what exactly cognitive twisting I am thinking.
I met a woman who is married at some party. She was the one who approached me.( I’m kinda shy ). I contacted her and we began to see one another from time to time. She told me that she was very in love with me but I always believed “why do you give your heart so easily? “. She gave me attention and I liked it even though I felt a mistrust. During this period( 5 weeks) I began to think that she was wrong in what she was doing. That is, it was not real what she told me that she felt, that she was only trying to distract herself from their own lives, etc. and I started thinking about how she had to solve these problems. I broke up with her … but I started go looking for her again( 4 weeks later) and we came back together.
I found out thanks to facebook that she is seeing someone else. Also, while we were together( pre- and post-break) she flirted( very strong flirting) with other people. I broke up with her again. I realized that I was in this relationship because she gave me attention. Besides, the two times I broke up with her, I was going to tell her that she was wrong and I was going to tell her what she had to do so she could get better.
BUT I supposed I’d tell her this( how to solve her problems) because I wanted her to feel ashamed, less than me. I fantasized( I still do) that when we meet in the future we satisfy and ask her if she did what she told me that she wanted to do. She gets embarrassed and tells no. Then I humbly told him to keep trying, that everything will improve. But I feel, upon thinking this, a satisfaction that she has not done well.
If I think that in my fantasy she has gone well, that she in a better place I feel with an uneasiness.
The second period I broke up with her was by message after I found out she was with someone else. And now I feel like this discomfort that I could not tell her anything I wanted to tell her and the little I told her, I feel that she does not care. That constructed me feel irritated, maybe angry.
The conclusions I draw from this situation( and other similar situations) is that I want to feel special, unique. And I want to feel better or superior to this person who constructed me feel bad or hurt. I think it’s a little jealous because I have not moved, I have not progressed in my life as I guess I should be.
I’m reading “Feeling Good” at the beginning of Chapter 11( The acceptance addiction ), besides that I was in therapy( a mix cbt and humanistic) for a year and a half. But I do not understand what I can do in this situation. I think that the cognitive distortion is” should statements” but I’m not sure. The dysfunctional position scale shows that I’m really low in all sections from the value system specially in “Achievement”, ” Perfectionism”, “Entitlement”, ” Omnipotence”
Can anybody help me? What chapter can I read? What tools and strategies can I use? What other books can you recommend ?
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